Why You Shouldn’t put Your Plans on Hold to Become Parents…

Previous generations had a straightforward view on how life should run. ‘First comes Love, then comes Marriage, then comes Baby in a Golden Carriage’ as the rhyme goes. But, even when this was the aspiration historically, underneath many family facades, this approach to life didn’t always equal happiness. Here at The Boho Bride Guide I wanted to dedicate some time today to talking about this unwritten rule, that many couples currently planning their wedding feel an underlying pressure to follow.

In today’s UK society, we are lucky that the very definition of 'family' is evolving and is no longer the stereotypical husband, wife, and 2.4 children. The emphasis of ‘family’ is now around being a group of people that live together as a unit and no longer is prescriptive around who that may be with. So whether you are choosing not to have children and dedicate yourselves to each other and your fur babies, or whether you are 2 families coming together in the name of love to create a new family unit, as long as love is at the heart of the family it will flourish.

Through a survey completed for a recent Boho Bride Guide Podcast episode with Sally Jackson a Bridal Wellbeing Coach. A number of ‘Brides To Be’ that have postponed their wedding due to COVID were asked, how they have managed the situation, and how it has impacted them

The overwhelming response, was a feeling of massive guilt amongst brides. A feeling that they couldn’t speak out and be honest, about how gutted they are for having to postpone their wedding due to the global pandemic. When people were losing their lives and loved ones, they felt they couldn’t share how gutted and upset they were about having to delay their wedding celebrations. There were a number of reasons surrounding this feeling of distress, but one that stood out from the rest. This feeling was that they had to put their aspiration to become parents on hold until they tied the knot.

Flex Your 5 Year Plan
Now, having become a parent myself in the last few years, I cannot imagine how couples out there must be feeling right now that also want to follow that same journey. If they had their ‘5 year plan’ all set out before COVID; getting married this year, having a big blow out honeymoon and seeing the world a little more, and then looking to start their parenting journey following that. To then be faced with a world health crisis, lockdown, a wedding postponement and the reality of coming to terms with the fact you think you also need to delay your parent journey, must be a massive feeling of overwhelm.
 
If you are anything like me, the thought of flexing my 5 year plan fills me with absolute dread and instantly makes me feel out of control. But in these unprecedented (there’s that word again!) times, we need to take a pause and do some work around releasing the self inflicted pressure that we put on ourselves. And look at where we can make changes, and in some cases compromises, that will in the long term still achieve your long term plans. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always happen the way we envisaged it to, and we can’t plan everything all the time. And that’s totally ok!

Don’t Put Your Family Planning Off
If you are looking to start a family in the near future, and were waiting to get married first, there is one thing I want you to take away from reading this. That is, there is no right or wrong when it comes to living your own life.  Plans do change and if you and your partner feel ready to start your own family, in whatever guise that takes, then don’t delay on the premise that you think you “should” get married first. There are so many unknowns in life, especially whilst we are still dealing with Covid, and ESPECIALLY in the family planning arena.

My Parent Journey
For people that know me, they will relate to how much of a planner I am and how I am really driven by goals to reach and timescales to achieve within. I have always had a 5 year plan right from school age, and on the whole with a little flex, accomplished my life goals. This was until I then wanted to start a family with my hubby at the age of 28. This age was what I had always had in my head, I had reached a place in my career I wanted to get to, I had travelled the world as I had dreamed of, and we lived in our gorgeous home that was perfect for starting a family in. All my ducks were in a row and now I wanted to click my fingers and for our baby to arrive on schedule too! I very naively assumed that I would come off the pill and a couple of months later, I would fall pregnant and have my baby 9 months later with no issues what so ever.
 
Oh how wrong I was. Each month we were trying, I would be hopeful that ‘this is the month!’, with it only to hit me in the face that we weren’t pregnant and for us to wait another month to see if it would happen then. 6 months past, and then a year, with no joy, and I cannot believe quite how this journey massively impacted my mental health and wellbeing. It was the first time in my life that the one thing I wanted in my life, I couldn’t get for myself. I started experiencing panic attacks for the first time in my life and sleep issues and the whole baby making process became so so upsetting, on top of what was a busy and stressful life I led in the corporate world and developing houses with my hubby. We had said to ourselves in the Summer of 2017 if we hadn’t got pregnant by Christmas, we would begin the journey of seeking help with fertility. But after 2 years of trying and being off sick from work for a significant period of time, we were delighted to finally be pregnant in the September of 2017. And our beautiful first boy Parker was born in the following May.

​So, at no point do I think that everyone will have the issues we have been through, and many of you reading this will have no problem at all when you decide the time is right for you to start a family. But for the 1 in 7 couples in the UK that will experience fertility problems, and of that 25% of fertility problems left unexplained (NHS website). The situation you currently find yourself in with holding out to starting a family due to your wedding being postponed is definitely worth re-thinking.
 
Take control of what you can control and do what is right for you both in this new Covid world. Whether you are pregnant when your new wedding date comes around, or whether you have a new member of the family to join in on your wedding photos. Either way you will create your own version of a perfect wedding day, and think of the stunning photos with your new family addition!

However your wedding day pans out, you will be able to declare the love you have for one another in front of friends and family, and celebrate in style surrounded by oodles of love, laughter and maybe even a new little life will come a join the party.

Take Care,

​Love Jen x
The Boho Bride Guide

Shoot Photography to Bethan at @florirosaphotography
Other Images: Unsplash